Dumps like a truck

Fuck an hourglass figure. I want one that makes me look like Wallace & Gromits face.

Exclusive: Ciara's vay jay jay pics leaked

Slander is my bitch.

Ballad Of Pop, Lock & Drop: Speak

Hip-hop is currently doing a doggy paddle in an uninspired pool of finger click beats and comatose cookie-cutter lyrics. The pioneers of the greatest musical movement ever are either doing the Samba instead of Dutty-whining, cleaning up dog shit on MTV, shoving bible quotations down our throat on twitter, or are sipping liquor in Jesus's pussy palace in the sky. ™
So it is with this, a new generation of young, burgeoning boiz have to come forth and take the healm. Asher Roth fucked it up royally with his stale "fratboy anthem" about plowing slags in college, so I pass the baton onto Speak. Sure, he may be mexican and look a little awkward but with his humorous slant on lyrical content spat over beats exclusively dropped by Afta1, along with support coming from the one and only Common, it's only a matter of time before he becomes more contagious than his native swine flu. Which in turn is the new ..mexican..wave? Oh, fuck it, think up you're own connotations. I can't do all the fucking work around here.
Anyway, he recently name-dropped me, Morleys chicken, my nails, Wolf pussy, Lurkdat Twerkdat and The Boobs in a new track over a Lil Kim beat. Cop it below. It will in turn become the soundtrack to everything I ever do, (accompanied by a small child carrying a boombox behind me-like what Trina defiantly does when she hits the streets of Harlem) so you'd better get fucking used to it now.

The Ballad of Pop, Lock & Drop

Yo Mama

Antoine: thats what i heard on the grapevine
me: i heard yo mama is so old she was fuckin the burger king when he was still a prince. jus sayin
Antoine: i heard yo moma is so fat she wipes her ass with a twin sized matress
me: yo mama so fat were in her right now
Antoine: yo moma is so old when god said let there be light that bitch hit the switch
me: yo mama so fat they tie a rope round her shoulders and drag her through a tunnel when they want to clean it
Antoine: yo moma is so old when you squeeze her wabs, powdered baby formula comes out instead of milk
me: yo mama so ugly they modeled monster munch on her face
Antoine: yo moma is so fat it looks like she is pregnant with a set of adult twins
me: yo mama so hairy even harry from harry and the hendersons says "ooo wee ma, whats wrong with a lil gillette lovin from time to time"
Antoine: yo moma is so hairy when i went for a finger bang i got rug burn
yo mama is kinga from Big brother 6. nuff said

Interview: Jamie Woon

If there was any justice in the world, this man would need no introduction. But Crimewatch re-constructions, Ricky Martin not being allowed to bang anymore for fear of a hefty jail sentence, and me not able to brick tourists faces in, whenever they stop in front of me unexpectedly in the middle of the street, have all taught me that there is no justice in the world. So i'll have to give him one. And trust me I would. In more ways than you can imagine, if I didn't have better things to do than root myself in Morleys with some fried chicken and a smug look on my face. But today, i'm going to branch out. Live a little. And introduce you to the one man singing sensation who will single-handedly grab the music industry by the balls in 2009, pull it close and say "you're mine now bitch".

Why don't you tell the five people who read this blog a little about yourself? You know, all that A/S/L shit that no-one really cares about.
Ethnically unplaceable, gender unplaceable singing male. From New Malden. With black hair. Generally black. My throat is black from the inside. When there is no light, I am black. At nightime, I am black. During the day, I am asian.


Why are you not huge yet? We all know people can sometimes be a little slow on the uptake but come the fuck on.
Pass

Ciara, Lady Gaga and Miley Cyrus are currently dominating the UK singles chart. Do you really want to share space with this shower of shits ?
Pass

Reading through a couple of your youtube comments, you seem to get called a hefty lesbian a lot by angry Johnny Cash fans who cant handle that you totally screwed him into the ground with your accapella version of "Wayfaring Stranger." You did go through a stage where you looked a bit like the lovechild of Nick from the Backstreet Boys circa 2001 and Sharleen Spiteri though, so I can understand where they're coming from. Were you bullied a lot in school ?
Yes. I'm growing a beard though. Watch

You also worked with the anonymous mercury music prize nominated producer Burial, on a remix of the aforementioned track. Is he really as ugly as I imagine him in my head ? And how did that collaboration come about ?
Pass

Are there any other artists you'd like to work with, alive or dead ? (And don't be a tricky bastard and say Mark Speight)
Mark Speight

You seem to be a little too partial to that Stephen Hawkings voice box thing you use in live shows. Discuss
Pass

And finally, are the stereotypes about asian men true ?
Stereotypes ?

Small cocks ? Shit in bed ? Use dim sum as an aphrodisiac ?
...Yes

Awesome

If I had the anatomy and ability to, there would be very few moments in the day where I wouldn't want to make mad passionate love to Jamie Woons larynx. If you like malaysian hybrids singing like angels he is definitely worth a look. If you don't, still support him. Because who would you rather see representing male British music ? James pissing Blunt ? Exactly.

Cursebird

If my mum clicks here and finds out im ranked as the 440th most foul-mouthed bitch, I can say bye bye to cosey family christmases.'
But on the plus side, If I get to number one, I will standardly see this as my greatest achievement in life and have it chiseled onto my grave, alongside the lyrics to Fannypack.

Chicken on Ice

This shit wouldn't happen in Morleys
Although, If Mexicans go and fuck up my chicken as well as my bacon, I will shoot a motherfucker straight in their guacamole eating ass

Boss Bitches

When I grow up, I wanna be a combination of these 7. Or a walking stereotype. Which is basically the same thing. Guess who they all are. Gwan, it'll be like audience participation, but without the desire to throw a plastic chair at someones head.

Hannah Montana: The movie

Miley Cyrus. Seriously question. There must be a thin line with you guys between watching Hannah Montana DVDs and having a frenzied wank over the pampers adverts surely ?
Whatever, any little white gyal that sounds like she should be called Trace and live off a diet of 40 a day and cheap larger, has multiple personality disorder and bitch fights with Tyra Banks over stilettos is a-ok with me.

Girl Power

Let me take you on a journey, back in time.
It's the new Millennium, Britpop is king, Football is coming home, and no-one has figured out what a bunch of lying bastards the government is. Christopher Evans rules the airwaves with his ginger locks, Lad/Ladette culture is in full flow, and Jonathan Ross is just a loveable, speech-impedimented clown, and not yet lost in a haze of poofs, pianos, and answering machine antics. Men all over the country are reading Loaded Magazine, and fantasising about jug-eared, Mathematician-spawn Zoe Ball. Blazin Squad sells millions of CDs. Gail Porter still has hair. Frankie Dettori is loved by the nation by only being known as "that little horsey wanker who speaks like he's in a ragu advert.' The immortal words of the Spice Girls and "Girl Power" were branded around everywhere. Trina lyrics were shoved down my throat by older peers and Germaine Greer was only known to me as "Eh? Is that that bitch out of 'arry Potter" And somewhere in Lewisham, the young spawn of Lisa Maffia and too much exposure to boys with pitbulls bricking goffiks face in outside Happy Shopper, (Me) learns that I can control men. With my wabs. When the "boost in ratings" hit me at 11, I found I became the pied piper of scum. Pre and post-pubescent boys would lovingly follow me around, and be nice to me to get into my pants. It was like prostitution but without the whole "Daddy raped me" or "I only let middle aged men fuck me to get me through college" or the "blocking it out" shit. Now I know what you're thinking. Bit 'demeaning' aint it? But no. Tits are just Gods way of making up for our vaginas looking like they've been stabbed for five days.
But that was then. And this is now. 2009. We inhabit a world where Emmline Pankhurts' infamous words have been replaced by quotations from heat magazine interviews of Jodie Marsh, Chantelle Houghton and Jordan, all getting breast enlargments. Woman all around the world have cottoned on to the fact that sleeping with Russell Brand is beneficial to your career. That breaking out of Essex to be wanked upon by millions of men the world over on boysfood.com is something to aspire to That giving your boss a handjob will not only get you a foot in the door, but your own fucking desk. By a window. And thank fuck for that. The discovery of pushing my tits together and making puppy dog eyes, means a women will no no longer have to pay for taxis, Lambrini, fried chicken or skittles. This may sometimes invite men to involuntarily 'rape' you, but thats also why God gave us pointed heels, flick knives and pepper spray. Because lets all be honest now, if it was a choice between becoming the G.I hoe of South London, or paying £1.99 for a double bacon cheeseburger from McDonalds, I know which way I would sway. Because what do you think I am? A fucking mug ?

Trillion $ Industry

Is it just me that glazes over, smiles dopily & cocks their head to the side whilst watching this ?

R.I.P. Jade Goody

A few of you have been asking me to do a Jade Goody post. If I didn't have an ounce of diginity and self respect towards her, I could rattle them off. I could call her a shuttlecock, I could make jokes about hairdryers on ebay, how living in a 6ft hole must be better than living in Essex, but call me crazy, I don't find a mum of two dying of cancer on mothers day humorous in the slightest. And she wasn't that bad. She gave me Shila Poppadom for one. Which is my favourite thing in the world to call indians now when they fuck me over with half a tub of chutney. Double standards maybe but come on, Francesca Anobile deserved to get laid into for being such a stupid fucking bitch.

Mr T hates me

Video

Mr T hates me and my petit filous joke. Did you see that screwface at 4.12? That was caused by me. That was it. That was the highlight of my life. Everything after this moment will never compare, and ill end up on a downward spiral with a one way ticket to rock fucking bottom, seated next to Kerry Katona and Jackie Stallones face.
Take note that if the undertakers don't go through with printing "I asked to be cremated you cunt" on my grave that I want "This bitch got pityed by mr T and now she's dead. Where the fucking justice at" instead. Whilst we're on the subject, I also want Robert Mugabe, Idi amin & Beyonce to do an impromptu medley of 'Bootylicous' & 'Low'' (It's ironic) and the kid that sounds like salad fingers from the oreo advert to read out my will. Even though I don't know anyone called Johnny.

Mahogany Mob

http://mahogany-mob.blogspot.com/

Contrary to popular belief, these aren't msn conversations. We have hired a stenographer to take notes of our day to day discussions on furbys, big cook little cook, white boys and chicken. Stay tuned to it. I am more likely to write about jollof rice and which 15 year old I want to felate on their now. And be honest, thats all you come back on here to check on right ?

Road Safety

Hit me at 30 and theres an 80% chance i'll live.
Hit me at 40 and theres a 80% chance i'll die.
Stop fucking about in the middle of the road and theres a 100% chance you'll live, you little shit.
(Yeah. Yeah, you're probably right. This is partly the reason why no bastard will ever let me work in PR)

Agony Aunts

Platform article
Have you ever thought that sometimes people write into Agony Aunt columns, just to boast? Every so often I see a letter that goes like "Dear Jane, when my boyfriend makes love to me, I often get carried away. I cannot seem to control myself, often screaming, and crying out, regardless of who might be listening. I have at least ten orgasms a night, and often, I am too tired to go to work the next day. Am I normal?"

She might as well have added. "My boyfriend also drives a lambourgini diablo and when he goes for a shit, gold coins come out his arse." Just once, I'd like Jane to reply. "Dear Reader. I would tell you to go and fuck yourself, but you'd probably enjoy it too much. So instead, I hope a tree falls on you. Best wishes, Jane."

Or how about the men? "Dear Dierdre, I have an embarrassing sexual problem. Put simply, my penis is too large. It measures eleven inches in length, and about six inches in diameter. I have no trouble getting girls, as I am absolutely gorgeous, and I have an amazing personality and have never once been called a wife beating rapist over the tannoy service in Tesco extra. But, once I get as far as undressing, they recoil in horror, telling me that I'm "not putting that thing in me !". I'm at my wits end. Will I ever find a girl who can handle my horselike cock?"

I mean, what is that shit? Some sort of bizarre Lonely Hearts advert? Is he hoping that women will read it, and then write to the newspaper, seeking his phone number?
"Dear Dierdre, I was reading your column the other day, when I noticed a letter from a man who had a problem, where he felt that his penis was too massive for a woman to be able to take. Well, I'd just like to say, he just hasnt met the right woman ! I myself, have a vagina reminiscent of a Tardis, (although it's had more than nine doctors inside it). Due to years of being an absolute slut, I would say I am perfectly capable of taking his gargantuan cock. I have had more black men inside me, than the changing rooms at Crystal Palace F.C. Please, could you pass on my mobile telephone number to the gentleman in question? Regards"

Saying that, The Agony Aunt universe is always fair to both sexes, no matter who is in the wrong. In no way at all, is it biased towards women. Just look at these two typical cases:

"Dear Jane. I love my boyfriend very much, but I cannot stop cheating on him. He works three jobs, as I am a lazy bitch, and prefer to stay at home in my pants, watching Jeremy Kyle and eating chicken. I go out and sleep with a different man every weekend, and often, they are my boyfriends friends. Or his brother. Or his dad. Just yesterday I had sex with a police horse in Hyde park, while he was asleep (my husband, not the horse). And next week, I am seriously thinking of fucking one of the Jonas brothers. I feel so dirty and ashamed. What should I do?"

"Dear reader, you are not to blame. Your selfish pig of a boyfriend has obviously driven you to these little indiscretions, by ignoring you, and spending all of his time out working three jobs, without a care or a thought for his poor, suffering girlfriend. With any luck, you will have given him herpes, or worse, which will certainly teach him a valuable lesson. My advice is to get out of this abusive, controlling relationship, before he ends up killing you."

"Dear Dierdre, I love my girlfriend very much. I would do anything for her. Recently though, my world came crashing down around me, when I found out that she had been cheating on me with my brother. I was devestated to say the least, and went out on a bender for several hours. I ended up with a girl I found puking up cherry lambrini down a back alley in kings cross. She seemed really up for it, but even as drunk as I was, and as angry, and wanting to inflict revenge, I couldnt go through with it. I love my girlfriend too much, even after everything she has done to me. I just ended up kissing this girl for about two minutes, then I made my excuses and left. My girlfriend knows nothing about it, should I just let sleeping dogs lie, or should I come clean to her about it?"

"Dear Scum, of course you should tell her, you bastard. I know you may have been upset about your girlfriends little fling, but what you did was inexcusable. Not only should you tell her everything, about you and that slut, you should go somewhere quiet and kill yourself. Hang yourself, take some pills, slit your own throat, whatever it takes, just do it. Because kissing another woman behind your girlfriends back, is simply unforgivable. She probably only had her harmless, two year fling with your brother because she sometimes thought you were going to hit her. Because of that angry look you had in your eye, once. In 2005. R.I.P. you prick."
Ok, so maybe a 'little' biased towards women.

Dog

You know a person has hit rock bottom when they spend their Tuesday night sitting in their pants, eating noodles, watching a dog running into a wall over and over again, and then dribbling said noodles all down yourself because if theres one thing you love in your meaningless existence it's animals giving themselves brain damage.
(I would make a pun about slumdog millionaire or how he's running away from hungry asians here, but my mind has been numbed by spending at least 4 hours repeating this routine, so fuck it. Do it yourself)

People with Arms > Cerrie Burnell

Apparently, Parents have complained to the BBC that a CBeebies presenter with one arm is frightening their children.
A thalidomide introducing Balamory ? Kids these days don't know how lucky they've got it. All I had when I was a child, was Matthew Corbett fisting a bear, Bodger & Badger, alphabet spaghetti and ten solid years of Spice Girls, and look at me. I turned out just fine. (If you don't include the general apathy towards everything & everyone that isn't birds eye chicken, hoodrats, serial killers and Jade Goodys hairdresser.)

Karen Matthews+Foetus

Well I think it's a good thing that a 13 year old has fathered a child.
Look on the bright side, If it all goes tits up and he ends up joining Fathers For Justice, he'll save a fortune on finding a fitting Spiderman costume.

N-Otorious

If I had a cock, was fucking Kerry Katona, wore bomber jackets found round the back of Aldis, and was on a heavy combination of 3kg of smack & Cadburys animal biscuits, I'd basically be him yeah.